too long...

Its been far too long since I last updated..
Well its almost the end of the year now...
hahaah
The last I updated was when my loving dear came home...
Now since his back, I've been spending most of my time with him..
At the same time making time for both my friends and work..
Well although I can work as much but its ok..
I rather be spending most of my time with him..hehehe..

Been going on our random and regular dates..
Making me love him more then I already am...
Well after all that we have gone through
Having him back is the best thing...
I just wish time could go by more slowly...
He just got back and soon he'll be going off again..
Well just make the best of what time I have left..

School's been kinda sucky for me..
Well that's normal..
But kinda getting sick of it..
Having people going against what they promised
Or what they wanted as a change..very contradicting...
(You know I know)
Well I know that I want school to go by faster...
I just really wanna get out of this school.
I can only relay on a few people to talk to...

Well what do I care..
All I know is that I'm spending my holidays with him..
My term break, Xmas and New Years...

HOME SWEET HOME!!!

My darling sweet love is home again, back in my arms. YEAH!!!
I had a good time with him, the past two days.
Ok,means I need to adjust my body clock again. Hahahaha...

Well, mum and dad knows what that will mean.
Here goes my late nights with him. hahaha..
I love going out to eat supper with him. Since we both love our food.
Well, that's the happy side of my post.

The sad side is that, this will be my last two nights before I
shift house. And move into my cousins house. BORING!!!
There goes the lack of my freedom.
He does not like a lot of things I do or wear. SO that sucks!!
Like big time!!!!

Well Whatever it is, daddy has the biggest say to me.
So I'll only listen to daddy or mum. If not,fuck it..
Seriously...hahaha

Not needed....

Comments on the pictures are ok.
But to say it out loud in class is not needed.
But worst of all you could have private the pictures.
You know there is such a thing such as someone's morals.

Its personal in a way.
Would you like it if someone does the same thing to you.
Try beeing in my postion, you wont like it at all.
I know they are pictures and you want to upload them
but not all were meant to be up.

I'm just voicing out my thoughts.

Party night..

Had a party last night with my friends. But I was gone 1st,
cause I never eat dinner. Stupid me. hahaha...
But I thank my friends who help me out. I really owe you guys for that.
Thanks again. You guys are the boom!!! hahaha...

I can't remember much,
but I recall the dj asking me if I want to spin with them.
It's like super cool and hot. A female dj...hahah..I'll think about it.

After all that,I'm officially broke!!!!
But I got to say I'm a good drunkard,
cause all I did was sleep after all the puking.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Party night..

Cming home!!

My dear will coming home soon, and I can't wait..
I know we had our misunderstanding but all has been forgiven and
we are moving ahead. With a fresh new start.
Everything will be a new experience for us both.

I can't wait for your return even if I have to squeeze time for everything.
Can't wait for your hugs and kisses. YEAH!!!!

Lonely....

That is how I feel. Lonely.. You don't want to seem to talk to me.
I can't force it out from you. So I can't do much. But just stand here and wander,
cry myself to sleep thinking about you every night, wandering..pondering...

Lonely.. That's all I have to feel now. I text you pages long, I get 2-3 sentences of reply. That's all...

Sleepless night....

I can't sleep...
And I don't know why...
Too much thoughts in mind..???

I wander at times...
Am I doing the best I can do....
Or are my efforts still insufficient...??
Am I doing too little...
Am I scarifying enough...
Or am I scarifying at all???

Have I done enough...??
Or should I do more???
Have I done what have said I'll do...
Are they good enough??
Have I been changing my ways??
Or am I still the same...
Or at least have I changed some ways of mine...

All day along...
Everyday....
Questions after questions are in my head...
Asking me...
Trying to find the answers...
I'm left wandering at my own actions and thoughts at times...

Nothing here makes sense at all...
All is just wandering in my head..
I just needed to get it out..
Don't have to think much...
Its all me....
Has always been...

Choose....

To chose to throw away an old friend or to keep...
That's an unfair choice someone must make....
But it's a choice I have too make..

I'm sorry my friend..
But I have to do so...
Or see my love one being disappointed with me...

It may be contradicting to you my dear..
But its just something I feel very heavy to do...
Would you do such a thing if I'm in your shoes..??
You wont know cause it never happen to you...

Well...I may sleep with a heavy heart..
But I'm truly sorry to have to do so...
It's the best for all I guess...
May you find your own happiness....

Holidays...

Its been 3weeks 5days...
Since my holidays have started...
Well it feels like forever...
hahaha..well not really..just exaggerating

Wells lots of things have happened..
Don't wanna say...

But it has in a way made me realize how
precious things or people are...
Especially those around us..
When they leave then you realize
How much they mean to you...

So here's my advise...
Treasure them..love them with all
that you can love..
Once they leave then you'll start regretting..

Well other then that..,
Work has been most of my life..
Other then my late nights on the computer or
On the phone talking to my dear...
So that's me from mon - fri..
Off days spend it either
Resting at home or..
Playing with the Naufal..
haha...

Well 3 weeks more till my dear
Is home..hahah..
And 1 week 5 days till school reopens...
Cant wait to study..hahah...
Serious....Boring you know
Never study the last term..
With no exams and stuff..only projects...
WALAU!!! hahahaha

Well then enjoy the rest of the holis...haahha

Forgiveness..

It hari raya...
Its the forgiving month as i say it..
the time where u forgive n forget...

Well that's how I see it...
I'm getting older..
so no need to talk much about the money part..

But i rather be visiting my own family,
then those I don't really know...
Well whatever it is..
i just follow....hahaha..

Okz..maybe next year I wont do so..
I'll work..But take the late shift..
I'll just go jalan with friends..haha

Well all has been forgiven n forgotten...
Those who have made mistakes with me..
i have forgiven n forgotten it..
And if I have made mistakes with u..
Hope you will forgive and forget it as well...

Pondering....

I get a lot of people telling me to just walk away..
even if knowing that its gonna be hard for me.
yet I'm not budging from where I am..
Nor am i going away.

They say words are not true.
that your saying it halfheartedly...
they say u should love for who i already am...
but not change me for who i totally wont be...
But I know deep down in my heart its true...
But i don't mind it...
I know i need the change anyways...
I also know...
That you mean every word you say/said...

Your thinking I'm lying to you about me
Slacking with my friends...
Well I'm not...
A girlfriend of mine, who some hows knows my manger n his brothers..
So they slack at our place...
Then "drinks" came out...
Which I did not expect to turn till she got very high..
I had to wait for her since we were sharing cab...
oks..there the whole thing that happened tonight...
P.S: i did not join them at all..if u were wandering...
I didn't want u to worry much thats y...
cant u ever see that i just did not want u to
worry so much about me...

cause knowing that u like to ponder so much...
all.........
idk what else to say....

Accepting...

I'm beginning to accept it all...

Denying...

I'm in denial...
I can't make myself to even delete our pictures..
I can't even look at them...
Cause all I see are the memories we had..
I sleep and I see it reoccurring again...
The good times we had..even if it was 2 weeks...

Yes I made mistakes then..
i also realized them..then I slowly took it in
consideration to change...to make you happy..
ye still keeping true to who I am...

I might have changed more then I realized..
but I am still who i was when you 1st got to know me

there's nothing wrong at all having to want more..
but you can't expect it to come in a short period...
maybe now...we just need the space between us...
and let time take its toll...to realize what we really need..

I don't know what else to say or think..
but im in denial..
that i know...
Cause I wake up in the morning not wanting to remember
that I've already lost the guy I love dearly to my heart...
Even if crying my heart out won't bring him back...

i may not be the pish posh or uptown type of girl..
i'm just a girl next door...
saying you love her for who she is should matter the most...
slowly mold her to some1 u see as perfect..
but not by changing her fully to whom she's not...
i noe its what u said in ur blog....
and i agree with u..but u never changed me so tat i could fit in..
i tired to do that...without me realizing..

but just know that my love for u continues...
even if u want us to be friends...

good night then..

Momories...

I'm I to forget the memories we had together...
The word s you said to me..
Those very sweet words,which I look back upon..
wandering if there were ever true to your heart...
I know there were...But now???Are the still..???

The Letter...
Dearest Liyana,
I know this is like the biggest difference in
communicating with you but I just felt I would like to to do it.
Anyway, like the fish soup & the chrysanthemum tea I bought for you?

I just want you to know babe that with everything
we share together, I really treasure every single moment of it.
You are alway on my mind and I'm always thinking about
you wherever I am or whatever I'm doing.
THIS RELATIONSHIP THAT WE HAVE IS TOUGH ONE BUT
ITS'S DEFINITELY NOT IMPOSSIBLE AND I'VE NEVER BELIEVE
THAT WE COULD NOT GO THRU IT TOGETHER.

AND WITH EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS BOUND TO HAVE ITS SETBACKS,
MOMENTS WHERE THE UNDERSTANDING PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP
COMES TO PLAY.
During this certain time, I really HOPE WE CAN BE THERE AS EACH
OTHER'S SUPPORT AND WORK IT OUT TOGETHER AS A COUPLE.
I once said in my blog that honesty, trust and understanding
are really important to the success of the relationship.

Adding to that will be communication and finally listening.
I know you can never be that perfect one for me and neither can I babe.
WHAT REALLY MATTER AT THE END OF THE DAY IS OUR LOVE FOR
EACH OTHER AND WHAT WE SHARE. WE BOTH CAN OVERLOOK CERTAIN
TRAITS OR CHARACTERS OF OURSELVES SO I BELIEVE AS LONG AS
WE BOTH KNOW THAT WE HAVE TRIED OUR BEST, THEN I REALLY
THINK IT'S SUFFICIENT FOR US.

With that, I would like to say I'm fully confident of our relationship.
THE DAY I LEFT YOU AT THE AIRPORT,
I KNEW THAT I WOULD DEFINITELY MISS YOU.
BUT DEEP INSIDE,I KNEW THAT ALTHOUGH WE ARE THOUSANDS OF
KILOMETERS APART, THE LOVE THAT WE SHARE HAS NO BOUNDARIES.
DISTANCE IS JUST ONE OF THE THINGS BUT IT CAN NEVER PREVENT
MY LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU SYG. BABY,
I SAID YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND YOU REALLY ARE.
YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME THAT SOMETIMES
I'M AT LOST IN THOUGHTS ABOUT IT.
________________________________________________

This is the very letter you wrote to me...
I retyped every word from it..
Those in caps are the very word I keep in heart.Knowing at
that time how strong our love was.. now all i see are words..
with no meaning to it...
you are willing to forget all that was said all those
sweet n caring words of yours and jst walk away from it all...
after all that we've been through...

Im trying to stand on all tat we had..and try to persuade
you to carry on what was already stared and was blooming...
I know how crushed you are by all these...
and no matter how crushed I am i still trying to stand
on what's ever that left of this love we once had...
your my last hope in love...
and some how i don' see light at the end of the tunnel no more...

Confession.....

I know what I said last night was totally not called for..
Didn't mean to call you an asshole.. But your actions was really made you look like one..

You say you love as so...You love that much..or very much..Why do the decision of breaking..When things can be worked out.
For you your decision might have ended the problems you saw..But not the pain that it will carry for a long time..I don't know if you actual realize that.

You wanted more from me...you could have just told me..What you wanted...I could see if I do the changes for you..And yes it will take time...patience has been there, You say your patience..Then why suddenly stop...

You wanted you ideal girlfriend to give you her full attention..I changed my habits of doing things while talking to you..I give you my full attention..You wanted me to listen to you..I did...You wanted my full honesty..I gave...
I tell you day in & day out where I am..What I'm doing...Whom I'm with...
I do whatever you wanted me to do...Still you want more...OKs...

You want me talk to you till late night..I can...But there will be days where I'll be dead tired..all cause from work..I give you more hours of my day then I do 4 myself,my friends and family.. Still those actions don't count for you...

Yes there are days where we go silent, cause there's nothing happening around..there's nothing much to talk about..Then when we are on9..there's nothing much to talk cause i rather be talking to out on the phone n hear you voice..you don't realize is that when your doing or viewing something..I would be just staring at you..looking at what your doing..And I'll be just smiling at myself..

Yes we have many similarities..Yet we have our differences..Which I you for..I didn't fall in love with you for what try to be or what you lack off or what your not..
But for who you are true from the heart..Honest,sensible,caring,loving..Yes other guys have these qualities too but what they don't have is unconditional love you gave me...your actions to me,may be louder then my words could speak but its not the actions that i count the most its your words and how you tell me how much you love me...with your warm sweet tone.. assuring me of you undying love..which I guess has ended..or dyed...your loving actions are just extras I got which i love...
I know that how you are..to you actions speaks louder then words..bu for me...words means a million things..

I don't know if this would make much difference to the situation that we are in now..
But just know that my love for you will never end...

Sleepless...

U might be asleep by now..But i can't not after all that was said & done...
Mind is confusing me...might have been the long island i had just now...
but been like this the whole night...

Well my loving actions and efforts have now gone down the drain...
All have been a waste...yes a waste..y..cause of u wanting more then wat u already have...
or in Ur words getting the minimum...

are u even grateful with wat u already have...or wat was given to u...i noe its only human to want more...bt make do with wat u have as my dad say...
u want more wat more u want from me??..more love..given to u..more time from me.. squeezing as much as i can from what i hve..

can say much..all have been said to u..all that u needed to noe have been given to u for the past 2-3 months...all that's need to be said also...

all u need to noe is i love u no matter wat...tats hw deep my love for u is..

ANRGY!!!! FRUSTRATED!!!!

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO OR SAY FOR YOU UNDERSTAND ME.....

IF ALL I SAY MAKES YOU THINK ABOUT THIS ABOUT THAT....
MIGHT AS WELL I DON'T SAY A THING AT ALL.....

IF MY ACTIONS ARE EITHER NOT YOUR TYPE OF "PERFECT GIRLFRIEND" SHOULD BE...
THEN I'M SORRY...
I'M NOT!!!!

I'M RUNNING LIKE MAD HERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THINGS...
THEN YOU'LL THINK I'M NOT CONSIDERING YOUR FEELINGS...
ALWAYS HAVE...AND ALWAYS HAD!!!!!!
WHY IS IT I DON'T DO MUCH THINGS THAT I KNOW WILL HURT YOUR FEELINGS...
YET THE SMALL THINGS I DO OR SAY SEEMS TO..OH WAIT...IS HURTING YOU...
I DON'T GET IT AT ALL.....
AM I THAT BAD AS A GIRLFRIEND????
AM I THAT DEMANDING???
AM I THAT USELESS, PATHETIC, UNGRATEFUL, STUPID GIRLFRIEND..???
WHO CAN'T EVENT MAKE HER BOYFRIEND HAPPY....?????

BUT IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT TO BLAME IF YOU THINK TOO MUCH OF THINGS....
GO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM ME...
AND I'M NOT REFERRING TO LOVE,HONESTY,TRUST AND COMMUNICATION...
CAUSE I'VE BEEN GIVING THEM TO YOU...AND IS STILL TRYING TO....

BUT IT SEEMS ALL MY ACTIONS FOR YOU HAVE COME TO WASTE....
HERE'S SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP YOU....
DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF WHAT YOU DID WRONG TO ME....
CAUSE THE ONLY FAULT YOU DID WAS NOT TRUST ME....

YES I'M STILL AT IT...CAUSE I'M NOT SATISFIED....
BECAUSE YOU GOT ME AT A LOST....
SAYING YOU TRUST ME YET YOU ACTUALLY DOUBTED ME....
SAYING YOU REASSURED ME DOES NOT PUT THINGS BACK IN PLACE FOR ME...

YOU SAY HOW SELFISH I AM ALL YOU WANT..
BUT FOR TRUST TO HIT ME MORE THEN ONCE IS PAINFUL ENOUGH...
I STAND BY THAT WORD...
LIKE I SAID..
LOVE, YOU CAN LOVE ANYONE
HONEST,JUST BE HONEST
COMMUNICATE, THERE ARE A MILLION WAYS TO DO THAT...
BUT TO TRUST SOMEONE..
IS NOT EASY...
ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR HEART..

I KNOW YOU'LL THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE
WHATEVER I SAID TO YOU FOR THE PAST 2-3 DAYS
SEEMS AS THOUGH I DOUBTED YOU LOVE...
I NEVER!!!! NOT EVEN THE INTENTION OF IT...
BUT I'M BEGINNING TO WANDER
SINCE YESTERDAY NIGHT..WHEN I SAID I LOVE YOU..
AND YOU NEVER REPLIED...
YOU REASON WAS...
" I WON'T SAY IT UNLESS I MEAN IT.."
SO YOU RATHER LEAVE ME HANGING...
RATHER THEN TO SAY SOMETHING... AND THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE "I KNOW"

YOU ASK TO THINK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS...
WELL I'VE ALWAYS HAVE ...
NOW I'M GONNA BE SELFISH AND TELL U THIS
GO FIGURE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM ME....
I GIVE WHAT WAS ASKED...AND I TRY TO GIVE MORE..
FROM WHATEVER STRENGTH LEFT THAT'S IN ME...
I AM SERIOUSLY AT WITS END HERE WITH YOU.....

NUMB!!!!

I do my best as to love you, care for you...
I do my best to do as you say..
I do my best to make you be happy for me..

But I guess all I really do is hurt you..
Make you wander about us..
I guess what I say of myself is true..
That I'm useless, an unworthy of your attention.

You want to talk things out..so we do..
Then you say I'm just rambling on and on...
Which made no sense at all...and what ever stuff...

All I did was let you know my thoughts, feelings...
All I have been doing is put you ahead of everything in my life...

WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME DO!!!!!
I'M TIRED....OF HAVING TO RUN AROUND AND PLEASE YOU....
I'M IN A MESS.....MY HEAD IS SPINNING LIKE CRAZY...
THINKING OF WAYS TO PLEASE YOU...
THINKING OF WORDS THAT WON'T HURT YOU....
BUT IT SEEMS USELESS!!!!!!
ALL MY EFFORTS SEEMS TO BE JUST DRAINING ME....
I'M LOST SYAHMI!!!! I'M LOSING MY MIND TRYING EVERYTHING I HAVE THATS LEFT OF ME!!!!
I'M RUNNING OUT OF MY OWN PATIENCE......
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uneasy...Regretful..Weridness

I regret my actions...
Cause it has made me feel the weridness around us...
I know that we have to be patient with the changes now...

But I feel as though I have lost a part of you...
It feels like I lost your sweet words and your happiness when your with me...
I might be just thinking too much..
or it might be jsut my guilt getting to me..

I wish...I hope...I prey...that we would never have this type of fight again..
I can't bare to stand to lose you...even if its just part of you..
cause it's like losing everthing of you...

I guses my love for has became much stronger then I realised...
I'm not saying it as sweet words...
Im saying it as it comes from my heart...

As i listen to this song...
(B8-Bidadari Hatiku)
lirikan mata mu menawan , mempesonakan , kau ku girakan ..
senyuman manis mu bagaikan
bunga di taman , indah menyerikan .
tiada kata yang dpt ku luahkan.
seindah mu . oh jelita ku .
hanya dpt ku membayangkan , kejelitaan mu di lubuk hatiku

bagaimana .. jikalau semua ini tidak lagi bersama dgn ku..
ku berdoa .. agar dikau mengerti yang ku setia terhadap mu .
sayang dengar kan lah .. dikau lah bidadari hatiku .
dan tapi kan ku renangi ....
hanya untukku memilikimu ...

sayang , dengar kan lah ..
dikau lah bidadari hatiku ..
dan tapi kan ku renangi ...
hanya untuk ku memiliki mu (2x) ..

HURT!!!

To actually read that you doubt me was painful.
To actually know that you don;t have a trust in me was painful..
Then I wander when you say all those times that you trust...
Was it all a fake? Was it all a mask so that I would give you the same amount of trust you gave me...

But hearing you tone of voice on the phone...
Being doubtful for my reasons to meet my friend was so hurting..
But i had a reason...
You don't know him..And even if you did...you would get all jealous..

I didn't want you feel as such..
So I made it simple...
If simple is not wanted...
Then I have no clue what else is there to be done..

I'm at wits end...I'm losing my strength in this relationship..
Yet is has only began...But my strength has been out stretch over its limits...
Till I'm just running on spare batteries..

Not once have i doubted you...
With the amount of temptations around you..
Which guy would not be tempted..
Which guy would not want to "have fun" with the ang mos around there...
"oh who knows he might be f**King some girl there while you wait for him here"..
The comments I get almost everyday by others...
who doubted you..& our relationship...
But I stood my ground and told them that you were not the type who wold do so...
Cause we "TRUSTED" each other...They believed me..
I believed you..cause I trusted you...

But since you said those painful words to me...
I would have never ever thought that someone you loved dearly would say those things to me..
And the worst part is..its he !st time I'm hearing it...
Can I forgive you...I don't know...
Can I ever forget it... don't think so...

All I did was to keep your heart happy...
All I did was to make you happy..
All I did was to be your perfect girlfriend..
All I wanted was a boyfriend who understands me..And
allow me to have my own time with my guy friends without him to worry or have doubts..

Well I guess not then...No guy has been able to for fill this small request of mine...

good bye n good nite

Helpless.....

Now I'm feeling helpless...
I'm doing my best to be your girlfriend...
not wanting to hurt your feelings..
Putting your needs ahead of mine...
Yet it seems that
my methods are not working..
Why is that so..???
I wander...
Please enlighten me...

I'm limiting myself to be around
my guy friends,
other then those
who are very dear to me...

Yet when i say of them,
you sound worry...
I know it comes with the
relationship..
Where you;ll get protective and
jealous...
But you say you trust me...
yet your voice doubts it...

So which is it dear...???
Your confusing me..
Making me feel helpless...

What do want from me???
But here's something I'm not gonna give up..
My guy friends...cause they have always been there
for me...
Even b4 i met u...

I'm always putting you b4 me..
So please understand if I
wanna have some time with my guys...

At the end of the day
(i keep telling you)
I'm yours..
by heart n soul...

My week...

Nothing much exciting happened..
Went to school..hang around at home with the kids...
WAH!!! Didn't know it'll cost so much...hahahaha

Tuesday went to watch Ice Age 3 in 3D wtith the girls and Zahrian's cousins..
Wednesday we went out again..walking around city hall...like literally around the whole of city hall..Walked near Clarke Quay to view the lights and the bungee thningy..hehhehehe..It was a fun day...but it was tiring at the end of it..hahahah

Had National Day at home...Watched it with mum and dad...
Kinda got bored at home alot..hahah
Been too lazy to go out...

Had late lunch at Ananas with Natasha, Zahrina & Shima yesterday at Pasir Ris..
haahaha...Went to Pasir Ris park after that..had fun..hahah...some good laughs....

Well ooh not forgetting, I gave boyfriend a surprise...
Since Zac was still around before he flew back last week...
I passed him a gift...Which included my toy monkey,a 3 page letter, with some pictures of us and the scent of my perfume on monkey...hahaha...
Zac left the gift on his bed when he was out playing soccer..
He got a good surprise when he got home...
It really made him smile...
Well i was happy to give you the little surprise my dear..hahahahah
hehehehhe...
xoxoxoxoxo

Missing u!!

I MISS U DEAR!!!! I WANT U BACK IN MY ARMS!!!!!
I LOVE U DEAR!!!!! COME HOME QUICK!!!!!

Can't the months just pass by fast!!!!!

NOT FUN!!!

Its not fun when you forget stuff
Its not fun when you can't seem to remember the important things
Its not fun when you forget the details of things
Its not fun when you people tell you stuff then you forget about it later on
Its not fun when you need to recall important lessons or issues and you just can't
Its not fun when you wanna say something,and then it just slips out of your mind...

Its not fun when at all...
No matter how hard you try to remember or when you write it down yet you still forget..Somehow it just slips out of your mind...

Its really not fun at all....
cause it takes a strain on me...it makes me frustrated...its irritating...it annoys me!!!!...I HATE IT!! I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!

Thank U!!!!

WHAT A SURPRISE!!!
He may be thousands of miles away...
Yet he was able to surprise me...

Zac(his best friend)help him bought for me fish soup and help him to pass to me a parcel which he had some stuff for me..
In it was a romantic letter...a cute cat toy..TimTam biscuits and some pictures that we took while he was in Singapore...hahah...it was such a nice surprise..That i can't help but to keep on smiling..hahah....

Thanks baby...U are truly a rear diamond that I have found..And you are mine to keep forever...hahah...You are my true love...hahaah....

I LOVE YOU SYAHMI!!!! WITH ALL MY HEART...!!!

sadden..

Is sad...in despair...
Feeling hopeless...Angry...
Any other words to describe my feelings now..???
I don't know..

I do my best..I try my best...
Yet I get these feeling in return...
I do my best for you...to cater to you...
I give my heart and soul to you.
Yet you say such things...

I give you my attention..I give you my time..
Yet I get these in return..
I try..I do my very best..in my own willing way to please you..
To listen you to...
Yet I get these feeling...

When I make an effort you mock me of it..
You say I'm not serious..
When I opening up..And Change..as much as I hate to change for others...
I get these feeling...

Well...sorry if I'm not YOUR PERFECT/BEST GIRLFRIEND...

Sorry..

To my dear,

Dear,I'm sorry about what was written in my previous post. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just who I am as a kid. I never really tell people my feelings..Or what bothering me deep inside..Cause I'm use to not have anyone one to tell.. For you to want to want me to express all that's deep within is kinda tough.. But like what I said in the sms I sent you..I'll change it..And try to tell you how I fell..I guess my depression is still here??? I don't know..Dear I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..
I was just trying to express my feelings out..Cause I'm never able to say it out loud..I guess writing it out is the best way for me..As all can be said out at once..And I don't have to think so hard on how to give an explanation if you or anyone don't understand what is being said.

Dear please forgive me for hurting your feelings..It was seriously not intended to do so..I was just merely expressing my thoughts that were bothering me inside..

from your love..
Liyana

Confusion...

I'm in deep confusion...
I don't know what's happening to me..
I trust you..but my heart is having doubt...

Its driving me CRAZY..here...being all alone...
While your there...at least you got a friend to talk to..
Don't come telling me that you are here for me...
Cause your not the person for me to let out my confusion to...
I need an outside opinion....

Guess I can only let it out here on my blog where you'll read..
Sorry..but I'm bad at communicating via voice..
My only way is to let it out by either writing it out,blogging it..or sms...
Yet not everything can be expressed out by words...

Only you can feel it..words some how don't seem to help tell you everything that needs to be told..

Every time it comes to relationships...
This insecurity feeling comes in..
I feel soo insecure at times..
Well it kinda currently how I'm feeling right now...
For the past few days...
And its eating me inside...
Why must you be thousand miles away....??
Why must I have this feeling eating in me...??
It just makes matters worst...

Sorry dear..I'm seriously imperfect..
Hope I'm not asking much from you...

Annoyed...

Been getting annoyed and stress easily recently..
Don't know why..but a lot of things seem to get on my nerves..
Don't ask me why is it so..cause it's just is..

Can't seem to tell you what bugging me about you drinking..
Case it just gets me all frustrated and annoyed...
Which I hate..
So ya...

Can't seem to be able to concentrate on things...
nor can I tell people about what I'm feeling..
Cause they can't seem to understand my situation..

Babe...just a gentle reminder that puasa is coming...
U should know what I'm referring to...
I don't wanna be like controlling you or anything
But just wanna remind you..
cause it's your life an all...so ya...

bye...

hehehe....

YEAH!!!!! FINALLY!!! I can use the dam net..hahaha
Its been driving me nuts the past week...
Well anyways...nothing much happen..so ya..

Ohh..going to the dam zoo tomorrow for my class "bonding" event..
Don't really wanna go cause waste money..(I too broke)..
Also..I got to rush back to school for netball..
DAM!!! I'm gonna be dam tired sia...DIE!!!..hahaha

Shit got to finish my Design project..like A.S.A.P!!!hahaha
Still got report to do..hahah..
Finally got the dam Adobe CS3 working on my laptop...
Well gtg bye...Got work to do...

PIX!!!

For more pics view my profile at FB..

updates...

Mum's birthday was on Sunday...
So we went out for dinner at Sempang Bedok...
At Chef's Bob restaurant called Sedap Corner...
Quite nice food...
Took pics...(Update it once I upload to my laptop)

Been Feeling down the whole dam day....
All cause I stress about money and my bills...
Still in debt for that....Can't ask friends...
Cause it kinda a lot of cash..
DAM I NEED A FUCKING JOB!!!!

Doing some job hunting tomorrow after school...
I'm like seriously scraping every penny I have...
That's how bad of a situation I am in right now...
sorry baby of you are gonna be upset about me net again...
Please somehow don't tell me...Cause I have a feeling it might just get me irritated...

Well have fun with your brother since his in town..
LOVE N MISSING YOU....
xoxoxoxxoxo

i'm sorry...

I'm sorry baby..I really am...
I'm trying my best to get the networking...
But it seems to not wish to work...

I know you really really really miss me...
And I really really really miss you too....
I'll see what I can do to get it start working again...K dear...


Please don't be sad anymore...
Cause I too will feel what your feeling...
And I don't like seeing my sayang all sad and moody...
But at least I was able to make you smile yesterday night...hahahha

All you need to know is that as each day passes..
My love for you grows deeper...
And never have I felt like this before....

So be strong my love....

I love you my Syahmi....
oxoxoxxoxo

STUPID!!!!

Stupid Reshi disturbing me...
Making me laugh...hahahah...
Trying to make me laugh cause he knows that
I'm pissed about not being able to go to Boxhill...
(Baby its in Melb)...hahaha..
Belo baby don't know where Boxhill is..hahahah...
So cute lah you dear....heheheh

Miss Nair was trying hard to keep it away from me..
Cause she knows that I'll love going on this kinda trips..
But she knows that I can't go.. So that kinda sux big time...
And its all for a simple reason.. Which is my citizenship issue...hahaha

(Sorry was unable to finish it in class) Continue....
Just came home from netball practice..
Dam I'm like rusty again...Shit... Need to practice more...hahahha...
Well that issue I'm not so worried.. got other things to worry about..

Like getting a job!!!..ARGHHHHHHH...
SO need a fucking job now...
Really need the cash & stuff...
Well got to take things one step at a time...
First is to sleep!!!..Tired sia...
hahaha

Nights baby...
Love & Miss ya like LOTS!!!!
hahahah...
xoxoxoxoxoxo.....

hw fast..

WOW!!! A week ago I just sent you off at the airport...
That's how fast time has really flew by...hahaha...
Less then 4 months you;ll be back in my arms...
hahahaah...I can't wait for that....

For now...We are back to our daily routine of going school,smsing, going online..
Webcam and our phone calls...hahahha...
I kinda miss those days where we would be in our own world online..hahaha...
Not caring in the world what time it was..Then sleeping in late...

Well now we can do that again..But...I don't think i wanna keep you up so late my dear..hahaha...
But my privacy will not be as it use to be by next month due to having the kids staying here...hahahah...
But I don't think it would be much of a problem at all..hahha...

Well I love you dear...
xoxoxoxo

Forgiven...

Baby dearest...I forgive you....
I forgive you cause I love you..
I truly deeply do...

I love your sincereness when seeking forgiveness..
That's what I love about you...
Your honesty for your mistakes...
And truthfulness for it..

I love the fact that you know neither of us are perfect...
Yet you don't mind it at all...
And that you want us to work it together as a couple...

I love how much you want us to work as a team...
Never had I felt likes this before...

Baby...I'll be the best I can be as your girlfriend..
We will work as a team to make our relationship work...

I love you baby... ;)
xoxoxox

thoughs

Sorry if I'm not that "perfect" of a girlfriend to you..
Sorry if my sotongness or slownness frustrates you..
Sorry if my blurness frustrates you...

But that's just who I am...
Its fun for me at times to know how blur/slow or stupid I am...
But it also frustrates me,when I can't get things solved...
That's why I hate figuring out stuff...

Even if the fat clue is right in front of me...
It might take you a minute to solve it..
But it'll take me ages to get it...or even understand it...

You say your still getting to know me...
Well here you go....
I'm not as 'chim' as you are..using 'big' words..
I'm not as smart as you are...
That's why I'm in this dumb school...
I can't explain things to you using 'chim' words...
But I can..using funny examples...
that's how I understand...

You told me this..."you don't want me to see your flaws.."
But here's the thing...I'm already seeing it...
But you don't realize is that the words you use on me
to scold me( or as you put it..your not scolding me) as hard on me...
I told you I'm fragile... Especially words coming from someone you love...
Will really hurt you directly to the heart...

Babe..I know I'm not that perfect...That's all I have to say...
I try my best to please you..if yet..my flaws keep getting on your nerves...
Then I'm sorry..that's just who i am..well you did fall for someone like me...
Like I said..I'm totally imperfect.

My baby...

My baby has flew off..leaving me here all alone..
God I'm missing you here...

I miss my hugs and kisses...But most of all I miss you...

Lets hope the next few months will fly by fast like how it did the last time..
hahaaha....

All I want is to have you here with me...Best part is mum and dad are really agreeing to you as my boyfriend..hahahah...
Mum"s not even nagging to me about you..hhahaha...
Think she knows I'm old enough and that i did gt a good catch...rite babe..
well...love you and really miss u...

School

1st week of school.. Which I was not even looking forward to...
One reason..My baby has left me..( gone back to Aus)...]
Another reason...School is SUPER BORING!!!!

GOD!!!!There's like no proper lessons..All is on your own...
Falling Asleep sia in class....

I've heard of love sick..and home sick...is there such thing called
kiss and hug sick???..Baby is there??? hahaha...I wander....

Flying off....

Baby's leaving me already...Well he kinda already left Singapore at like 7.45pm...
His on his way back to Melbourne...
Baby..I'm missing you already..

hahahah....Had a blast for the past 2 weeks with you and the guys...
Especially with you babe...heheh...

Well life goes back to normal for us..or like what Caleb said.."norms"..hehehh...
our online life..hahahah....But i'll sure miss my hugs n kisses...hahaahh...

Well you'll be back by October so its ok..
Baby..don't worry..I'll wait for you...

Love you dear...

Sayin Goodbye

It sucks to say goodbye..when things has just begun...
I was just starting to get use to having you around me...
Now you got to leave back for Australia..

Wow!! 2 weeks just few pass us...that fast...
Baby!!! I don't want you to go!!!...
But I know you got to...
Sad..its very sad for me...

But life has to continue...
We will have to continue our online "dates"...

Baby I'll miss you like CRAZY!!!!!!.....

Happy..happy me...

Me very happy..cause not only am i officially with him...
(Which took me 3 days to register in my slow brain..)
hehehe...

But the fact that I know I' m happy with the person I love..
All that wishing,wanting and waiting paid off...hahah
Seriously..

Well reason to why I have not been updating..
Is cause I'm out all night with him..
REALLY!!!!...

We are like going home at around 3-7AM...
Best part..parents never make noise AT ALLL!!!!...

Cool or What!!!...hahhahha...
Well this is just a quick update cause I'm going out soon..
Watching movie with him..heheheh....

The rest of the day..I'm SLEEPING...till like around 2-3pm.
Then we be out for the rest of the day till like 3-4 am then go home..hahahah

But it's been fun...
Love u baby...

sori late updates...

Typed this on my phone on Saturday..Cause my laptop died on me...
The day you came home my dear..(Btw u read alrdy)

"I so can't wait or you to return home...
From months it has became week, then days...
Now its hours..Soon to be mintues...hahahah
Wow at how time flyes by so fast...

By the time you read this...you are already back home.."

Saturday I went out to meet him and the gang...
Had lots of fun...seriously "enjoyed."..
You know I know dear...
(Clubbing lah...hahah)

Ohhh....Before I forget..
Met with Zahrina and Leha beore meeting him..
We went to Siloso beach..for the beach party..
hahaha..
Had some good laughs there..
Saw alot of "monkeys"
heheheh....
OOhhhh...Saw some old school mates....
And my good buddies...hahaha

Sunday went out also...
Went to eat..then head for Vivo...
Then headed for Sentosa..We drove in...
Took the tiger beer viewing thing...
oooh!!! the best part was...
He ask me to be his girlfriend when we were like high up in the air....
Coool or what!!!!..And romantic are you dear...hahaha...

21

Go through your wall posts and list the last 21 people to post on your wall. Do not list any repeats; simply go to the next name in the list. Then answer the 42 questions pertaining to the 21 names. When you're finished, tag all 21 people on the list (and anyone else you mentioned or want to tag), so the cycle can continue. If you've been tagged, copy and paste this information into a new note and follow the directions above.

1.Ain
2.Najib
3.Sairah
4.Syahmi (dear)
5.Adawiyah
6.Rohaizad
7.Sailah
8.Amelia
9.Wardah
10.A.Noor
11.Shafiq (TKPS)
12.Shahneezar
13.Shaizah
14.Airah
15.Natasha
16.Zahrina
17.Heaykal
18.Nisa
19.Shikin
20.Reshi
21.Shima

1. How did you meet 1?
Primary school

2. What would you do if you'd never met 14?
Hugs and kisses

3. Would you date 20?
HELL NO!!!!

4. Have you ever seen 8 cry?
Yes


5. Would 3 and 13 make a good couple?
EH BECAME LES SIA!!!!

6. Describe 9.
Sweet, innocent and a loving friend

7. Do you like 16?
Then I'll be a LESBIAN!!! She hates LESBIAN.....

8. Do you think 19 is attractive
YES!!!

9. When was the last time you talked to number 6?
Yesterday on MSN...

10. Would you ever date 7?
I"LL BE A LESBIAN AGAIN!!!!

11. Where does 15 live?
Yishun

12. What is the best thing about 21?
She's KRAZY.....with a K not C

13. What would you like to tell 18 right now?
An honest friend

14. What is the best thing about 10?
Cute & chubby

15. Have you ever kissed 12?
NO WAY!!!!!

16. What's the best memory you have of 4?
We staring at each other on the dance floor in a club wandering why we looking at each other...

17. Is the person who tagged you in this note one of the 21 people in your note?
yes

18. Is 17 pretty?
In a girly way yes...but its a guy so..no i guess

19. What was your first impression of 12?
DAM!!! his cute!!!!

20. Is 13 a friend?
Yes...Close friend...

21. Have you seen 16 in the last month?
LIKE DUHHHHH!!!! CLASSMATES!!

22. When was the last time you saw 14?
2 days before school holidays!!!

23. Have you been to 21's house?
nope

24. Whens the next time you'll see 10?
maybe when we have our primary school reunion outing....

25. Are you really close to 1?
YUPS!!!

26. Would you give 20 a hug?
Maybe...have i????

27. Have you ever been to 17's house?
yups...hehehe

28. Do you know a secret about 5?
Can't recall...

29. Describe the relationship between 14 and 19?
Don't know each other....

30. What's your friendship like with 5?
Best friend in secondary school

31. Have you ever danced with 18?
yups..on bling bling nite i guess...

32. How do you know 21?
Classmates...

33. Does 2 have a bf?
Boyfriend as in gay NO!!!..he got girlfriend...

34. Have you ever wanted to punch 4 in the face?
NO!!!...his a dear to me...but strangle at times yes..hahahah..jking

35. Has 11 met your mother?
NO WAY!!!

36. Have you ever ridden anywhere with 2?
public transport yes..own transport no!!...both don't have transport...hahhaah

37. If you gave 7 $100, what would they spend it on?
i don't know...

38. What's your best memory of 6?
His performance in school which everyone hated but me...hahah..a true fan/friend...kan...

39. What is the one thing you want 15 to know most?
What i hate people doing to me..

40. What was the last thing you did with 12?
Accompanied him go shopping...

41. When did you meet 20?
In school..my classmate

42. What do you wish for 11?
All the best in life..& hope he last long with his girlfriend...

Regrets!!!

In a way I kinda regret telling my "parents" about you...
I'm sorry dear..To have put you in my family's spotlight...

Well I was not expecting my dad to blab about..
I thought my mum would be the one...
Well I thought wrong...
The one whom I thought was going to be over excited was actually very calm..
Ended up my dad was way over his head...hahahah...

Well i'm sorry again my dear...
But I'm wandering what my cousin has to say..hahaah..

Well see you soon dear...hahaha...
Can't wait...

WOW!!!

Holidays has begun...
So it means only one thing!!!...
HIS COMING HOME!!! hahahaha...
Well to be exact,it will be in 4 days time..
But I'm seeing him on Sunday...
WHATEVER!!..hahaha

So supper excited about it...
Plans have been made out..hahaha....

hehehe...
Can't wait wait to see you dear...hahaha

What a day!!

Was suppose to update on Saturday..but was too tired..
Well its an early Monday morning...

Friday was the day my group FINALLY executed our I.E.P project..
The event was a blast..Thats for sure..hahah..

okz... Continue from Friday..hahah

hers the pics which were taken from that day..hahha

count down!!!!

WOW!!! days are coimn to its end soon...hahahah...
the days asre nearing...
Our patients have really paid off..hahahah

I 'm just keep my cravings in hold...hahah
U know I know what that means..hehehe...

After all that waiting....
Its finaly coming!!!hahahaha

I can't wait babe!!!

updates...

Ok....I'm guessing that mum is agreeing to the fact that I'm dating you..???
hahahah...Well..finally had the gust to ask her what she had to say about the whole thing...hahahha

Well...It went very well then I expected..hahahah...
Here's what she asked...
How I met you...?
Who was with me when I met you..?
How have we known each other...?
Where you stay..?
How many siblings do you have..?
How do you look like...?..Like you Malay looking or not...
oooh she also ask..What type of person you are..? baik ke tak..hahahh...
Oh not forgetting...
She also ask about your parents..ooh and also if I got meet you mum already..hahaha

Wow!!! her reaction was far way better then what I was expecting...Well when I told her I only known you for about 4 months..She was like ooh ok...still early to say anything..hahaah...

WOW!!! Best part of it all she was like supper cool about it..hahah

well..miss ya babe...

Funny parents...

Told my parents about you..hahah...
My dad's supportive about it..But I'm still wander what mum has to say..
hahaha...

Well what my dad said was that you would end up marrying an Angmoh there..hahah
Well what they don't know is that is not your cup of tea..hahah..

haha..Actually my mum said the same thing..hahah...
Well know her..she say that not to bring you to my place when meeting them..go to my bro's house cause my house small...Compared to yours..hahaha....

She has a point..Due to the fact that you are staying in a landed property..and knowing her...she thinks your rich..hahah...Well in other words you kinda are..compared to my family..hahahah....

Dad said your a good catch..well his right on that..hehehe...ooh..And that my real parents would love you..Especially my real dad..hahaha...Kinda true on that...heheh...

now in school..So I really can't wait to get back and hear what mum has to say...hahah...Will update once I'm home..hahaha

Famliy....

Why must my family problems be never ending????
I really wander...From one problem to another...
All I hear is problem within my family....ARggggHHHH...

Its annoying at times to hear it...And most problems are like repeating itself...
Well..I myself cant do much cause its out of my reach..so ya....

Just hearing it hurts to know that even these kinda thing happens to my family...
Well all I know is that I'm not going go around causing the same kinda problem for them..Well cause I know they are growing old..and they really don't need the same kind of problems at their age..hahaha...

hey babe...btw..miss ya...

random day in school....

Ok..Was to post this up online yesterday..But my laptop was due To my adapter had exploded...SERIOUS!!!...scared the crap out of me…hahaha... Well I just came back from netball practice at Kallang.. Kind a tired..Had dinner at KFC…. Well we were clowns there cause were laughing and making Jokes and stuff… Dam were we NOISY!!! Hahaha… Here are the pictures as prove…










Ohhh!! Yesterday..During lunch.. My class got dam bored I guses…. Here’s what we were doing…